This Mask I Wear

Pretending all is well.

All is sane.

That is the mask I wear.

The mask of loneliness.

The mask of lies thus told.

The mask of meaningless smiles.

I could say its all okay.

Just having a bad day.

But my lips would whisper

just like any other.

Never fully trusting another.

Never surely knowing what's

behind the corner.

A connection is being yearned.

So far from my grasp.

To be one with another,

To know I'm the only one.

I feel out of place.

Out of mind.

Am I so different?

Am I so lost?

Is it really me?

Or the faces in my

Reality? Should I

Let it go?

It would be easier.

It would be quicker.

Pretending I'm not all

alone. Pretending its

Just a dream.

I can pinch my arm,

I can scrap my knee.

But nothing ever 

wakes  me from such

a terrible dream.

It's been said.

It's been done.

I lay in the darkness

with streams on my cheeks.

Violens make the quiet

just a little more colourful.

Something will always be

missing. The feeling of

Belonging. The feeling

that all is well.

A Deepest Fear

Something tells me there is more to be seen.

More to be heard.

It's not just a whisper behind close doors.

It's more than a rage, it's a heart beating envy.

A jealousy that can't be written, can't be understood.

Still not sure if this is reality or just a figment of thought.

A deepest fear.

Something unclear.

Leave me in the dust, in the warm desert sand.

To drown in an endless ocean, to fly amongst the clouds.

Can a future be read in such a beautiful sunset?

In a glimpse of a ripple of a tear in a never ending river?

Is it true what they say, it all happens for a reason?

The wind upon a lonely cheek.

The rain upon a mountain peek.

A brain which tells the best solution.

A heart which shows your desired motions.

A love which brings hurricaned emotions.

If its true, this ache I feel, if just to make my future right, I'll awake to a morning bright.

But deep within my soul, a little piece will always break within its wake.

Slam Poem: Jealousy

I'm actually jealous of something that may not be there.

The closeness.

The summer I once had.

I can tell you love him beneath those eyes.

He and I have a bond that I don't want to lose.

But things change.

Things get fused.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Those reasons are longed for before the end of the story.

My mind says no, but my heart longs for it.

I think I'm scared of the answer but I can't ignore the beeping in my head.

Maybe I should let the machine pick up and make the words run in my head like the print of a good book.

Maybe I'm holding onto something that was never mine.

I'm reality, you never know where you're waking up in the morning, ontop of a cloud, in a strangers bed but I can hope next to you.

Maybe it's all dream, in reality, nothing is as it seems.

On a Plane Going Somewhere

This is a prompt my best friend gave me. To write a poem as if he was dead. As if I was speaking at his funeral. It is, by far, the hardest thing I've ever written.

The earth was blessed 

with a beautiful mind.

A mind leaving behind 

words of indescribable meaning.

A mind which would 

take centuries to understand.

A mind of which 

I couldn't help but love.

This man gave me strength.

Gave me tough love

when it was needed most.

Showed me how to 

trust my heart.

Showed me light in 

my darkest of days.

The stars gained a 

brighter soul to look 

over this unbalanced world.

He lies in front of us, 

pen in hand, 

headphones in,

hoodie on his back with 

vans on his feet 

as if it was a regular day.

Believers never die,

they live on within 

the souls of every 

life they've touched.

To wish for one more hug. 

A simple smile that could

turn a Phoenix into

a pile of ash.

Let his life not be a waste.

Live on through his words;

"We're rebels against sleep 

and our beds our caskets."

Live with every breath.

Give with every heart.

Breathe into every minute

as if its your last.

You'll have time to 

sleep once you're 

lowered into the ground.

To live without a brilliant 

mind will be troubling 

and dark, but I'll let the 

sun kiss my cheek 

and tell me it's alright.

You will never be alone, 

he'll be by your side.

As its time to say goodbye, 

it'll never be forever.

Just until our eyes 

glance once more together.

Until we're able to 

make our ending 

soundtracks and spin 

records off our fingertips.

It's never the end 

until the credits roll.

Let the doves capture 

his soul and fly to the skies.

He's where the big 

stars never die.

He's somewhere beyond

imagination.

Somewhere to heal our

broken dreams.

He's somewhere he can

continue to touch our

souls and push us towards

a more beautiful life.

Fairy Tales

I used to sleep in my best dresses. I would always leave my window cracked. I wanted Peter to take me away. To show me a world with no worries. So young, but I wanted Peter to see me as Wendy. Beautiful yet stubborn. Adventurous yet cautious. I wanted him to fly to me in the middle of the night, to go do something beyond my wildest dreams.

Where was my fairy god-mother? I always wondered when she would appear. Give me a beautiful dress. Turn my cats into horses. Crab apples into a carriage. Dance the night away with a prince. Under the stars. In the rain. But not run away. Just stay. Stare into each others eyes and float into the clouds.

My adventures into the worlds always made me hope I'd get lost. That the wind would show me a way to a little cottage and seven little men would come in, of all emotions, and welcome me to their home. They'd keep me safe and try their hardest when I mistakenly take an apple from a little old lady to make my cheeks fill with color once more.

What if my hair was magical? It would grow and grow. I wouldn't mind living in a tower if a handsome thief came and stole my heart. He'd show me the world and fall in love. Change his ways. Do to extreme measures to keep me safe. And I'd do the same.

What if I kissed a frog and I turned into a frog? We'd go around, trying to figure out how to turn back but in the process fell in love without trying? Thinking that two opposites could love so fast. We would stay as frogs as long as we needed in order to stay together and that love would turn us into our selves once again.

Could he take me to a whole new world? Fly across the globe on a carpet, singing of what could be. Have him try to impress me when all he needs is to be himself. We could make the world a better place by spreading the love we have for each other.

I could fall in love with a beast but see the man that he is. His heart would shine. He'd give me a library, knowing my joy of reading and learning. I'd protect him from the terrible people that wanted nothing more than to destroy him. I'd keep him safe and let my love give him joy and turn him back to the man he once was.

I'd like to imagine life could be a fairy tale. Imagine myself within the walls of a castle, a magical land or endless woods. To have the love of my life sing to me. To watch a love blossom and give me hope that not all is lost. To have a gentleman to show me these lost boys know nothing about being a man because they never found a reason to grow up.

Loss of a Beautiful Pet

Since this is my main blog, I find it appropriate to post this here.

Today, I lost someone very dear to me. She was my best friend. I had had her since I was 5. She was my baby. My cat, Kitty. A beautiful black and white tiger with a purr that could be heard from miles away. She loved every single person that came into her life. She had to rub against your legs and cuddle into your arms. She had been there throughout my bullying. She always clawed at my door until I let her in. She always knew when I was crying or felt hurt or was in pain. She always made sure she was there for me. She slept with me so many times. She gave me so much love. I grew up with her. I remember the day we brought her home. She was so small as was I. At first, we were rough with each other but we grew to have a special bond. She was such an amazing cat. Nobody will understand how much I loved her. Nobody will understand the bond the two of us had. She came to me when I needed her most and loved me more than I could ask.

Right before we brought her into the exam room, she lifted a paw up and touched my face. She looked me right in the eyes, almost as if she knew what was going to happen and she wanted me to know she loved me. That she would be okay. That was always her thing. She always put her paw to my cheek and knew it would make me smile. Having her do that one last time, it broke me down. Her eyes were glossy, almost as if she was ready to cry. I felt her saying, stay strong mommy. I love you and I'll miss you but I'll be okay.

The last words I told to her spoke of how much she meant to me. How she was my best friend and how much I loved her. She will always be in my heart. She was my first pet and I loved her more than anything. I will always love her. The last hours with her were precious. I held her. Let her feel the love. Listened to her purr. I knew she was in pain but in my mind, being in my arms and being next to my heart, I would like to think she felt safe. She felt warm. She felt the love and didn't think about the pain. Her back leg was so broken, her foot was almost detached. At the vet, she said there was so much wrong with her that it was her time. I knew it would be hard leaving there without her but she wouldn't be in pain anymore. She'd be with my grammie in heaven. She could chase endless mice and eat pounds of tuna and make friends with all the other cat angels. I also know she will look over me and send me a simple cuddle, a simple ray of light when I need it most.

Rest in peace to my baby, my Kitty.
I love you more than you could ever know.

My baby and me.
Kitty Holmes

I love you, beautiful <3

June 1999-May 24, 2013 <3

Questions

Freshman

Do you believe in memories?
Memories that change a perspective?
Memories of innocence and growth?
Memories of doves and wild violets?
But not everything is beautiful.
Heartache, confusion and loneliness.
Understand life isn't set in stone,
it's how you project yourself to the world.

Cotton Fields

Ever heard of catch a falling star?
These cotton fields aren't as easy.
So light, so gentle, so dense.
Tears can fall and turn so grey.
Thunder can crash, lightening can burn.
But love is infinite, it's never ending.
Feeling love, pure and true,
will let precious clouds surround you.

Covered Waves

Do you see the salty waves jump in?
Crashing salt against the charcoal rocks
and burying shells beneath the grains?
Drowning simple palm trees
in its deep blue depths?
Understand, how it brings life together.
It's only so dangerous while
masking the beauty of disaster.

A Wives Tale

(Inspired by Robert Brownings "My Last Duchess" and "Porphyria's Lover")

He only loved for the emotional thrill.

Pleasure and knowing her love was his.

He'd see her flash a smile toward passerbys.

Jealously fuelled his rage, her beauty was his to admire.

Her smile his to adore through troubled storms.

No man must see her for what she is.

Such beautiful hair circled her face, a simple twist of a hand and spin of the body, her locks of gold took her life.

He smiled, holding her as if she was a baby, treasuring her beauteous features.

He only loved for the emotional thrill.

Pleasure and knowing her love was his.

He'd see her flash a smile toward passerbys.

Jealously fuelled his rage, her beauty was his to admire.

Her smile his to adore through troubled storms.

No man must see her for what she is.

Such beautiful hair circled her face, a simple twist of a hand and spin of the body, her locks of gold took her life.

He smiled, holding her as if she was a baby, treasuring her beauteous features.

As he slept, she returned to him in a dream.

"Fair love, once mustn't sin. A simple smile is nothing but kindness. Your obsession killed me now my memory shall take your life."

A jolt of light flashed, waking the man.

He looked beside him only to see his wife, gray hair and bones below the sheets.

Her beauty was no longer his.

Her head slowly turned, winking as her boney hand wrapped around his mouth.

Not a scream nor a breath emerged.

She fell still, smiling that kind smile as he collapsed next to her, his eyes glued closed, never to see beauty, only darkness.

As he slept, she returned to him in a dream.

"Fair love, once mustn't sin. A simple smile is nothing but kindness. Your obsession killed me now my memory shall take your life."

A jolt of light flashed, waking the man.

He looked beside him only to see his wife, gray hair and bones below the sheets.

Her beauty was no longer his.

Her head slowly turned, winking as her boney hand wrapped around his mouth.

Not a scream nor a breath emerged.

She fell still, smiling that kind smile as he collapsed next to her, his eyes glued closed, never to see beauty, only darkness.

Smile Through the Worst

Walking through hell with a smile makes you burn so much brighter.

Thoughts of regrets,
hopelessly can hold you prisoner

behind the walls of flames.
Forced to relive every questionable

moment, torture can feel freeing.
I do's in empty churches with

fingers crossed, affairs behind
the alter. Thrills of never

being caught. Thrills of making
everyone feel worthless to

give you a shot of confidence.
Too many decisions with empty

consequences. Too many tries
to be happy the hard way.

Don't you wish we could live
guilt free? Just once, not be left

with lingering wonders.
But life wouldn't be alive

without mistakes. Life wouldn't
be worth living without

lessons that needed to be learned.
Life wouldn't be life if we didn't live.

Stairway to Heaven

Where are you going tonight?

I could have sworn you'd be 

next to the wall, singing to Zepplin.

But it's just another bottle on the edge 

of the lake, maybe this time you'll 

take two steps too far.

Leaving me in a locked car with 

nothing but my troubled thoughts

to keep me company.

Just break me down if it makes you 

feel right, the fumes will knock my 

body limp soon enough.

We were caught up in the moment, 

just not in the right way.

Nonstop body movements shaking 

your old Camero, leaving me breathless, 

running away from good decisions.

Intoxication is the only comfort you

 can ever feel but we both know it's 

only gonna kill you once.

It's just the way you move to

bring me down to the grave.

Remember what our vows entrusted, 

till death do us part and life do us wrong.