This Mask I Wear

Pretending all is well.

All is sane.

That is the mask I wear.

The mask of loneliness.

The mask of lies thus told.

The mask of meaningless smiles.

I could say its all okay.

Just having a bad day.

But my lips would whisper

just like any other.

Never fully trusting another.

Never surely knowing what's

behind the corner.

A connection is being yearned.

So far from my grasp.

To be one with another,

To know I'm the only one.

I feel out of place.

Out of mind.

Am I so different?

Am I so lost?

Is it really me?

Or the faces in my

Reality? Should I

Let it go?

It would be easier.

It would be quicker.

Pretending I'm not all

alone. Pretending its

Just a dream.

I can pinch my arm,

I can scrap my knee.

But nothing ever 

wakes  me from such

a terrible dream.

It's been said.

It's been done.

I lay in the darkness

with streams on my cheeks.

Violens make the quiet

just a little more colourful.

Something will always be

missing. The feeling of

Belonging. The feeling

that all is well.

A Deepest Fear

Something tells me there is more to be seen.

More to be heard.

It's not just a whisper behind close doors.

It's more than a rage, it's a heart beating envy.

A jealousy that can't be written, can't be understood.

Still not sure if this is reality or just a figment of thought.

A deepest fear.

Something unclear.

Leave me in the dust, in the warm desert sand.

To drown in an endless ocean, to fly amongst the clouds.

Can a future be read in such a beautiful sunset?

In a glimpse of a ripple of a tear in a never ending river?

Is it true what they say, it all happens for a reason?

The wind upon a lonely cheek.

The rain upon a mountain peek.

A brain which tells the best solution.

A heart which shows your desired motions.

A love which brings hurricaned emotions.

If its true, this ache I feel, if just to make my future right, I'll awake to a morning bright.

But deep within my soul, a little piece will always break within its wake.

Slam Poem: Jealousy

I'm actually jealous of something that may not be there.

The closeness.

The summer I once had.

I can tell you love him beneath those eyes.

He and I have a bond that I don't want to lose.

But things change.

Things get fused.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Those reasons are longed for before the end of the story.

My mind says no, but my heart longs for it.

I think I'm scared of the answer but I can't ignore the beeping in my head.

Maybe I should let the machine pick up and make the words run in my head like the print of a good book.

Maybe I'm holding onto something that was never mine.

I'm reality, you never know where you're waking up in the morning, ontop of a cloud, in a strangers bed but I can hope next to you.

Maybe it's all dream, in reality, nothing is as it seems.

On a Plane Going Somewhere

This is a prompt my best friend gave me. To write a poem as if he was dead. As if I was speaking at his funeral. It is, by far, the hardest thing I've ever written.

The earth was blessed 

with a beautiful mind.

A mind leaving behind 

words of indescribable meaning.

A mind which would 

take centuries to understand.

A mind of which 

I couldn't help but love.

This man gave me strength.

Gave me tough love

when it was needed most.

Showed me how to 

trust my heart.

Showed me light in 

my darkest of days.

The stars gained a 

brighter soul to look 

over this unbalanced world.

He lies in front of us, 

pen in hand, 

headphones in,

hoodie on his back with 

vans on his feet 

as if it was a regular day.

Believers never die,

they live on within 

the souls of every 

life they've touched.

To wish for one more hug. 

A simple smile that could

turn a Phoenix into

a pile of ash.

Let his life not be a waste.

Live on through his words;

"We're rebels against sleep 

and our beds our caskets."

Live with every breath.

Give with every heart.

Breathe into every minute

as if its your last.

You'll have time to 

sleep once you're 

lowered into the ground.

To live without a brilliant 

mind will be troubling 

and dark, but I'll let the 

sun kiss my cheek 

and tell me it's alright.

You will never be alone, 

he'll be by your side.

As its time to say goodbye, 

it'll never be forever.

Just until our eyes 

glance once more together.

Until we're able to 

make our ending 

soundtracks and spin 

records off our fingertips.

It's never the end 

until the credits roll.

Let the doves capture 

his soul and fly to the skies.

He's where the big 

stars never die.

He's somewhere beyond

imagination.

Somewhere to heal our

broken dreams.

He's somewhere he can

continue to touch our

souls and push us towards

a more beautiful life.

Fairy Tales

I used to sleep in my best dresses. I would always leave my window cracked. I wanted Peter to take me away. To show me a world with no worries. So young, but I wanted Peter to see me as Wendy. Beautiful yet stubborn. Adventurous yet cautious. I wanted him to fly to me in the middle of the night, to go do something beyond my wildest dreams.

Where was my fairy god-mother? I always wondered when she would appear. Give me a beautiful dress. Turn my cats into horses. Crab apples into a carriage. Dance the night away with a prince. Under the stars. In the rain. But not run away. Just stay. Stare into each others eyes and float into the clouds.

My adventures into the worlds always made me hope I'd get lost. That the wind would show me a way to a little cottage and seven little men would come in, of all emotions, and welcome me to their home. They'd keep me safe and try their hardest when I mistakenly take an apple from a little old lady to make my cheeks fill with color once more.

What if my hair was magical? It would grow and grow. I wouldn't mind living in a tower if a handsome thief came and stole my heart. He'd show me the world and fall in love. Change his ways. Do to extreme measures to keep me safe. And I'd do the same.

What if I kissed a frog and I turned into a frog? We'd go around, trying to figure out how to turn back but in the process fell in love without trying? Thinking that two opposites could love so fast. We would stay as frogs as long as we needed in order to stay together and that love would turn us into our selves once again.

Could he take me to a whole new world? Fly across the globe on a carpet, singing of what could be. Have him try to impress me when all he needs is to be himself. We could make the world a better place by spreading the love we have for each other.

I could fall in love with a beast but see the man that he is. His heart would shine. He'd give me a library, knowing my joy of reading and learning. I'd protect him from the terrible people that wanted nothing more than to destroy him. I'd keep him safe and let my love give him joy and turn him back to the man he once was.

I'd like to imagine life could be a fairy tale. Imagine myself within the walls of a castle, a magical land or endless woods. To have the love of my life sing to me. To watch a love blossom and give me hope that not all is lost. To have a gentleman to show me these lost boys know nothing about being a man because they never found a reason to grow up.

Loss of a Beautiful Pet

Since this is my main blog, I find it appropriate to post this here.

Today, I lost someone very dear to me. She was my best friend. I had had her since I was 5. She was my baby. My cat, Kitty. A beautiful black and white tiger with a purr that could be heard from miles away. She loved every single person that came into her life. She had to rub against your legs and cuddle into your arms. She had been there throughout my bullying. She always clawed at my door until I let her in. She always knew when I was crying or felt hurt or was in pain. She always made sure she was there for me. She slept with me so many times. She gave me so much love. I grew up with her. I remember the day we brought her home. She was so small as was I. At first, we were rough with each other but we grew to have a special bond. She was such an amazing cat. Nobody will understand how much I loved her. Nobody will understand the bond the two of us had. She came to me when I needed her most and loved me more than I could ask.

Right before we brought her into the exam room, she lifted a paw up and touched my face. She looked me right in the eyes, almost as if she knew what was going to happen and she wanted me to know she loved me. That she would be okay. That was always her thing. She always put her paw to my cheek and knew it would make me smile. Having her do that one last time, it broke me down. Her eyes were glossy, almost as if she was ready to cry. I felt her saying, stay strong mommy. I love you and I'll miss you but I'll be okay.

The last words I told to her spoke of how much she meant to me. How she was my best friend and how much I loved her. She will always be in my heart. She was my first pet and I loved her more than anything. I will always love her. The last hours with her were precious. I held her. Let her feel the love. Listened to her purr. I knew she was in pain but in my mind, being in my arms and being next to my heart, I would like to think she felt safe. She felt warm. She felt the love and didn't think about the pain. Her back leg was so broken, her foot was almost detached. At the vet, she said there was so much wrong with her that it was her time. I knew it would be hard leaving there without her but she wouldn't be in pain anymore. She'd be with my grammie in heaven. She could chase endless mice and eat pounds of tuna and make friends with all the other cat angels. I also know she will look over me and send me a simple cuddle, a simple ray of light when I need it most.

Rest in peace to my baby, my Kitty.
I love you more than you could ever know.

My baby and me.
Kitty Holmes

I love you, beautiful <3

June 1999-May 24, 2013 <3

Questions

Freshman

Do you believe in memories?
Memories that change a perspective?
Memories of innocence and growth?
Memories of doves and wild violets?
But not everything is beautiful.
Heartache, confusion and loneliness.
Understand life isn't set in stone,
it's how you project yourself to the world.

Cotton Fields

Ever heard of catch a falling star?
These cotton fields aren't as easy.
So light, so gentle, so dense.
Tears can fall and turn so grey.
Thunder can crash, lightening can burn.
But love is infinite, it's never ending.
Feeling love, pure and true,
will let precious clouds surround you.

Covered Waves

Do you see the salty waves jump in?
Crashing salt against the charcoal rocks
and burying shells beneath the grains?
Drowning simple palm trees
in its deep blue depths?
Understand, how it brings life together.
It's only so dangerous while
masking the beauty of disaster.

A Wives Tale

(Inspired by Robert Brownings "My Last Duchess" and "Porphyria's Lover")

He only loved for the emotional thrill.

Pleasure and knowing her love was his.

He'd see her flash a smile toward passerbys.

Jealously fuelled his rage, her beauty was his to admire.

Her smile his to adore through troubled storms.

No man must see her for what she is.

Such beautiful hair circled her face, a simple twist of a hand and spin of the body, her locks of gold took her life.

He smiled, holding her as if she was a baby, treasuring her beauteous features.

He only loved for the emotional thrill.

Pleasure and knowing her love was his.

He'd see her flash a smile toward passerbys.

Jealously fuelled his rage, her beauty was his to admire.

Her smile his to adore through troubled storms.

No man must see her for what she is.

Such beautiful hair circled her face, a simple twist of a hand and spin of the body, her locks of gold took her life.

He smiled, holding her as if she was a baby, treasuring her beauteous features.

As he slept, she returned to him in a dream.

"Fair love, once mustn't sin. A simple smile is nothing but kindness. Your obsession killed me now my memory shall take your life."

A jolt of light flashed, waking the man.

He looked beside him only to see his wife, gray hair and bones below the sheets.

Her beauty was no longer his.

Her head slowly turned, winking as her boney hand wrapped around his mouth.

Not a scream nor a breath emerged.

She fell still, smiling that kind smile as he collapsed next to her, his eyes glued closed, never to see beauty, only darkness.

As he slept, she returned to him in a dream.

"Fair love, once mustn't sin. A simple smile is nothing but kindness. Your obsession killed me now my memory shall take your life."

A jolt of light flashed, waking the man.

He looked beside him only to see his wife, gray hair and bones below the sheets.

Her beauty was no longer his.

Her head slowly turned, winking as her boney hand wrapped around his mouth.

Not a scream nor a breath emerged.

She fell still, smiling that kind smile as he collapsed next to her, his eyes glued closed, never to see beauty, only darkness.

Smile Through the Worst

Walking through hell with a smile makes you burn so much brighter.

Thoughts of regrets,
hopelessly can hold you prisoner

behind the walls of flames.
Forced to relive every questionable

moment, torture can feel freeing.
I do's in empty churches with

fingers crossed, affairs behind
the alter. Thrills of never

being caught. Thrills of making
everyone feel worthless to

give you a shot of confidence.
Too many decisions with empty

consequences. Too many tries
to be happy the hard way.

Don't you wish we could live
guilt free? Just once, not be left

with lingering wonders.
But life wouldn't be alive

without mistakes. Life wouldn't
be worth living without

lessons that needed to be learned.
Life wouldn't be life if we didn't live.

Stairway to Heaven

Where are you going tonight?

I could have sworn you'd be 

next to the wall, singing to Zepplin.

But it's just another bottle on the edge 

of the lake, maybe this time you'll 

take two steps too far.

Leaving me in a locked car with 

nothing but my troubled thoughts

to keep me company.

Just break me down if it makes you 

feel right, the fumes will knock my 

body limp soon enough.

We were caught up in the moment, 

just not in the right way.

Nonstop body movements shaking 

your old Camero, leaving me breathless, 

running away from good decisions.

Intoxication is the only comfort you

 can ever feel but we both know it's 

only gonna kill you once.

It's just the way you move to

bring me down to the grave.

Remember what our vows entrusted, 

till death do us part and life do us wrong.

Intoxication

Between the sorries and headaches

I bet you don't remember 

it always happened to me.

                                        You were never the first.

                                        Alcohol filled the lungs of every lonely 

                                        Saturday night, killing every late 

hour waiting for a minute of relief.

I never thought you'd turn

 into a monster I knew so well.

                                           You keep bringing me in with 

                                            every half smile, intoxicating 

                                            me beyond sobriety.

Drunk off every word that 

slipped between your zippered lips.

I'll be gone with the last 

                                             turn of your shoulder.

                                             Stumbling back to the way we

                                             started is never going surface.

Take comfort between your sheets.

You'll wake up and forget

 all of this even existed.

Less Than Perfect

The smell of you entangled in the fabric

can make me remember our lazy days.

We were close enough to be safe,

but far enough to miss the others breath.

We loved so tenderly

but fought so frequently.

Words were as scarring as 

salt in open wounds.

We kept our arms tangled together

with dreadful intentions.

Remembering the sound of your shaking voice

still shakes my bones like thunder.

The imprint of your fingers still grip

the curves of  my hips.

My questions were only empty thoughts about

what we could be.

We hardly had enough time to understand

the definition of together forever.

I suppose that's why we settled for 

less than perfect.

Hard to Love

I know I'm hard to love,
I don't make it easy.
My tendencies to wreck
walls never fail
to crumble
on
top of beautiful disasters. I took
too many decisions for granted,
ashamed for never letting
myself surrender. The
day you
were
introduced was a change written in
ink. You looked like a
thousand stars, trying to
find the right
thing to
say.
Can't you see what you've done
to me? Driving me up
the walls and caressing
down every curve.
I'm on
my
knees, begging please don't forget me.
Our nights never fail to
make me certain that
with you I'll
never regret
a
single movement. You're forever imprinted within
the boundaries of my heart.
That with you, I'll
never know the
meaning of
alone.

Talk is Cheap

It's always a single word.

A single breath.
A fluid whisper.
Caressing ears with their monotones.

Everybody talks with indulgeous
content. Fulfilling the craving of
gossiping tongues. In the corpse of
their commitment, they aim to make

you cry. Bring a knife to your chest,
holding your heart in their hands.
Impowerment to the weak. Destruction
of the strong. Feeling as if they're doing

nothing wrong. Wishing the intent could
bring you back to the person you used to
be. Irreversible decisions control
regretless minds. Yet, always curious

for the corrected memories.
Everything's a daze. Just admit you
aren't the same. Just a simple child
locked in a closet, seeking to be found.

Somewhere your thoughts can't get you
into any trouble. A prison of dark
intentions, yearning to be set free. To
spread their wings and escalate to a 

place somewhere beyond the horizon.
Somewhere only in our dreams.
Somewhere all you have to cry about
is scrapped knees instead of broken hearts.

Behind the Reflection

Pity those who live without love.
Those who read of happy endings and 
never believe in the words that dance inside their minds.
Those who need only see a light within the darkest of tunnels.
Who have desperate hearts longing for compassion beneath satin sheets.
Who are alone in an imaginary world where reality is simply behind a reflection.
Lies are turned into golden melodies and rain dances into the curves of their bodies.
They must see beneath the unknown fear behind the abstract realms of this world.
They need not to dwell on dreams but to remember to live without limitations.

Courtroom Innocence

                               Crimes against humanity.
                              Once count of displeasure.
                             Two counts of trusting.
                            Three for all breathes
                           taken from empty words.
                          Testify against the innocent.
                         It's the only way to feel power.
                        To win against what doesn't matter.
                       You'll be nothing but 12 little
                      voices in a crowded room.
                     They'll cut you down from the
                    hangmans noose a little to late.
                   You stole her heart and ran away,
                  a crime which can't be forgiven.
                 Crawling on your knees and
                pleading till the sun dies away
               will never be enough.
               You promised too many
              times with fingers crossed.
             Always saying giving up was
            never answer, yet you left
           her in the core of the storm.
          The court room is a last resort.
         Windows full of evergreens.
        Freedom just behind the exit sign.
       Do you remember her mangled torso?
      Tears drying down her cheek as her
     hand reached for the last touch of life?
    You kissed her bluing lips, running
   away from what you always feared;
  being loved for all the right reasons.

Deathly Affection

Misery loves me.
Crawling into bed to stay alive.
How did I go so wrong?

I had the world and let it
slip through my fingertips.
We used to talk for hours

but now it's over.
It was nothing but photography.
Flash, snap, memories.

Don't pretend I never cross your mind
We used to risk everything for a
chance between the sheets.

I took your dignity.
You kept my virginity.
I was blinded by the love in your eyes.

You kept messing with my head.
Truth is, liars turn me on.
Find another me.

I'm nothing but a widow
dressed in the night sky.
I gave you everything you ever wanted.

But this was for my satisfaction.
Kisses on the fingers I crossed,
imprint your iced lips.

But baby don't worry.
My sins are nothing
to dwell upon.

The knife in your back
was only half of me.
Now, I'm finally free.

Beautiful Imperfections

I'm never good enough 

for myself.

Mirrors lashing back with 

shards of every comparison.

Disfiguration.

I believe the lies 

I tell myself.

I can't hold onto this 

broken old soul.

You try and try to 

make me satisfied.

Just hand me the money. 

Let it be over.

Corners with flickering lights 

die away before 

the calm of morning.

Darkness falls across,

finding comfort in the backs 

of my eyelids.

A world of imagination.

You can love me 

just a little longer.

My reflection will 

finally smile, 

not under false
 impressions.

Pinch me.

It was all inside my head.

Cross the road to the other side.

I'll learn to breathe and 

call myself a human being.

Emotions come and go, 

but words stay hidden in 

the swells of my heart.

I'll forgive forever, 

but forgetting the torture 

will never wash over me.

This place is beautiful.

Just like me.

Confidence Soldier

     I'm just an old record 

         being played in reverse.

     You'll never understand 

         the pitch hitting your ears.

     Clear the room to dance 

        with the broken sound.

     I'm only a tumbleweed in

        your farthest thoughts, 

     passing by to save the time.

         Did you know the lights 

     die at midnight?

          Put your faith into the 

     scattered stars to bring

          you back to my heart.

     I'm always thinking about 

          the worst when everything

     is at its best.

          You told me to believe 

     and now I'm flying over 

          all my broken dreams.

     With your hand in mine, 

          I can finally release every mistake.

     Be patient, I can't control 

          the haunting thoughts in my head.

     I'll be a soldier, standing tall.

          Yessir, I'll improve.

     I'll be the best.

Far Away

I can't keep on running away,

from the mistakes that haunt us both.

I wish we could go back

and change the past.

But life would be all too easy

if that was the case.

I just want you to be that man again.

Tell me you'd go to hell and back

just to hold my hand.

Sometimes that four letter word

just causes too much damage.

Mend me up, hold me high.

Lean out a window for the

air that keeps us grounded.

Blow out the candles, watch the

fire spread over the velvet.

Everything will be gone in a flash,

just like our lost love.

The buildings burning too fast,

save yourself, leave me behind.

It's not worth the effort to

save me from your intentions.

You burned me long before

the flames touched my skin.